Endorsement Deals

Lip Service

Hey everyone. Steven Wilber, here to tell you about a radical new service that many industry professionals and Fortune 500 companies are calling “The Netflix of French Kissing.”

I’m of course talking about Lip Service, the easiest and most convenient way to make out with a stranger. Gone are the days of having to leave the house, travel to a crowded shopping center or place of worship, blindly sticking your tongue out and hoping to god you’re not clanking gums by some 36-year-old named Travis.

Simply login to Lip Service, input your address, the time you'd like them to arrive, your preferred level of saliva output, and that's it. Now just sit back and wait for one of our trained smoochbassadors to arrive to your front door and suck your face like the leafhopper assassin bug sucks the organs out of its prey after liquefying them with its caustic poison.

Just go to www.anglefire.com/sites/lip_service/?utm_term=vm68eBlyz#/æ/ZmND9x/home.php and use promo code “mono y mono” to get 10% off your first delivery over $500!

Lip Service: First Base, from your Home Base

Roseburg North Community College

Steven Wilber, here. Are you in a rut? Do you feel like life’s passing you by in its otter-barf-yellow Miata on the flimsy metaphor of dreams?

Well, quit wasting time, farting into that Pringles can, Travis! Enroll at Roseburg North Community College.

RNCC is just a three hour hitchhike from Portland, bosomly nestled in REALISTIC Roseburg North, Guinness Record holders for world’s longest collective sigh and home to the new STD that doctors have named “Roseburg North Peehole Spider.”

Whether you’re a teen trying to get university prerequisites out of the way, an adult wanting to change their career trajectory, or just someone who needs to keep busy so you’re not constantly nursing off the business end of a 12 gauge like it’s a buckshot flavored GO-Gurt, Roseburg North Community College and Check Cashing is the place for you!

Learn a new trade such as European Bread Repair, or Falcon Midwifing. Expand your horizons with our art courses like Freeform Interpretive Whippets, Rock Looking, or even graphic design.

Or if sports are your stupid thing for some reason, try out for the RNCC Fighting House Arrest Anklet’s Black Light Backgammon team. It’s like regular backgammon, but everyone can see if you came on yourself.

Classes start Slegember Binteenth, so you only have a short amount of time to steal the identity and clean urine from someone who hasn’t been convicted of defiling a corpse.

Roseburg North Community College Check Cashing and Hubcap Consignment Emporium: Where the Uture Begins with U!

 

Doggie Bags

Every year, over 1 million dogs are euthanized, many of which due to unwanted litters being born. Controlling the pet population through spaying and neutering is taxing on both the veterinarians and your wallet. Until today.

I'm Steven Wilber and I'm here to tell you about Doggie Bag brand Dog Condoms. The exciting new canine prophylactic that has already received rave reviews from the judges on ABC’s Shark Tank, such as: “how did you get in here this is a closed set” and “I think I'm gonna throw up.”

Doggie Bags  are the easiest, cheapest way for your home to remain puppy free or my name isn’t  Dr R. Rocket Woofwood. I know I said my name was Steven Wilber earlier. I’m sorry I lied to you. Simply unwrap a Doggie Bag, help your dog put it on his erect dog penis, leave the room and let the sparks fly. Or stay and watch. I don't know what your dog is into.

Doggie Bags come in two exciting colors: gray and dark gray, the only colors that matter to dogs.

Does your little Scottie meet a major hottie? Doggie Bags.

Do your collies want to get their jollies? Doggie Bags.

Got some Shnauzers with no trousers? Doggie Bags.

Does your corgi want to have an orgi? Doggie Bags.

Does your Bullmastiff want to get full-man-stiff? Doggie Bags.

Does your calico want to get phallic, yo? It is strongly advised you do not put Doggie Bag brand Dog Condoms on your cat.. Woofwood Incorporated and its parent company, Nestlé are not responsible for any injury or property damage caused by feline use.

Doggie Bags, not only are they the only brand of dog condoms on the market, they're the only dog condoms made for dogs, by dogs. “How can a dog make a condom,” you ask? I don't know. What do I look like, a factory foreman? Fuck you, Travis! You look like a factory foreman!

Anyhoo, buy your best friend Doggie Bag brand Dog Condoms today and finally take the “dog” out of “raw dog.”